


Ease My Mind

by cana_merula



Series: Sing To Me Instead [works inspired by songs by Ben Platt] [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, but it's okay because they have each other, no beta we die like Ligur, some depressive thoughts, to ease their minds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:01:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23952718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cana_merula/pseuds/cana_merula
Summary: Aziraphale usually doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t really have nightmares or any dreams he can remember, but when he wakes up, he has a bad feeling. He never seeks Crowley out for sleep, but he also doesn’t fight it when the demon is there and he gets tired. There is something about his voice that seems to calm him and that’s what makes him able to sleep so easily around him.Crowley likes to sleep. He has read somewhere about the four doors of the mind, which everyone move through when they suffer from mental pain. The first one is the door of sleep, then forgetting, madness and death. And as those other three aren’t really an option for him as a demon, he uses the first door fairly often. He sometimes seeks out Aziraphale for sleep, but it’s never explicitly stated between them. He just turns up in the bookshop and curls up on one of the bookshelves or in the shop window in his snake form.But this is just about sleep, it's not like they are in love, is it?[Part of a loosely connected series, can be read alone.]
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Sing To Me Instead [works inspired by songs by Ben Platt] [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726789
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	Ease My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everybody!  
> This is the first part of a series of songfics I wrote to songs of Ben Platts album “Sing To Me Instead”. For me many of the songs have an Ineffable Husbands vibe. The title also comes from the song, so if you want to, you can listen to “Ease My Mind” while reading this.  
> This is my first published fanfiction on AO3, even though I'm writing for years now. It's also my first work in English, which is not my first language. So if there are any errors, please tell me.  
> And now: Have fun reading!
> 
> PS: Kudos to you if you can spot the Name of the Wind reference! :)

Aziraphale usually doesn’t sleep. It’s not that he never tried it, but he just never got fond of it. Most time he just wakes up feeling as restless as he did before he fell asleep. He doesn’t really have nightmares or any dreams he can remember, but when he wakes up, he has a bad feeling. Right after he opens his eyes, he feels like there is something holding him down, pressing him into the bed and for a moment he can’t move. There is an echo of terror in his mind, but he doesn’t know why or what scares him that much. His thoughts are racing at a million miles an hour and he needs a long time to really calm down and to be able to focus at a book again.

Sometimes he feels so tired that he really wants to sleep, but when he lays in bed and waits for sleep it won’t come. The bookshop is an old house and it will creek or he will hear the humming of the lantern outside. It’s never really quiet and that reminds him of Heaven. A place, that most humans associate with quiet and peace. But in Aziraphale’s experience it was never a truly calm place. There was a pretence of calmness: bright, light colours, wide open space, soft-spoken voices, polite, wide smiles. But it was all fake. There was no warmth in it, just coldness concealed by pretty lies. As soon as something goes against Heaven’s (or Gabriel‘s) plans the facade crumbles and there is yelling and other angels crowding around you.

So sometimes he can’t sleep because it’s not quiet enough and it’s also not loud enough and it’s just too similar to Upstairs and Aziraphale just lays there and waits for the sunrise, for the new day to start.

The first time it happens is some time after they started the Arrangement. Aziraphale didn’t expected the knock at his door this late in the evening and he didn’t expected Crowley at his doorstep, with an open expression and his sunglasses nowhere to be seen. They sat down on the sofa in the bookshop and Crowley didn’t comment on Aziraphale's night attire, which he was very thankful for. Instead, he asked the angel to open a bottle of wine and told him of a temptation he was to perform in Cardiff next week and how annoying it was to travel to Wales this time of the year. Aziraphale grabs two glasses, a bottle and a blanket and settles in to listen to Crowley ranting about Hell. He pours them each a good amount of red wine and sips his while he lets Crowley’s voice wash over him.

It calms him more than he wants to admit and the next thing he remembers is waking up hours later to an empty bookshop. He is slumped against one armrest and the space beside him on the sofa is already cold, even though he didn’t sleep through the whole night. But someone also put their glasses away and pulled his blanket more securely around his shoulders.

He never seeks Crowley out for sleep, but he also doesn’t fight it when the demon is there and he gets tired. There is something about his voice that seems to calm him and that’s what makes him able to sleep so easily around him. It’s just the voice and the fact that the bookshop sounds nothing like Heaven with his voice filling it, nothing else, that’s what Aziraphale tells himself. It’s not like Crowley is the only being he fully trusts in this universe. It’s not like he feels secure at his side, his mind at ease like it isn’t at any other time. It’s not like he is in love with him, is it?

~•~

Crowley likes to sleep. He thinks it was a good invention. He has read somewhere about the four doors of the mind, which everyone move through when they suffer from mental pain. The first one is the door of sleep, then forgetting, madness and death. And as those other three aren’t really an option for him as a demon, he uses the first door fairly often. Sleep offers a retreat from the waking world and everything that happens in it. It puts distance between the pain and the victim and helps to heal.

But sometimes he gets nightmares.

He dreams of Hell, but he isn’t there as a demon, he is there as a human and he gets treated as one. He gets beaten, mocked, screamed at and tortured. Sometimes it’s Hastur, then Lingur, then Satan himself, then some faceless demon. Sometimes they know who he is, that he was a demon, sometimes they don’t know him, but hate him just as much. It’s always different, but there is always pain and it's always too loud. People are crying, wailing even, screaming in pain. In that first seconds after he wakes up, there is nothing but panic in his head, he can’t breathe and there are tears streaming down his face and seeping in his pillow.

Sometimes he doesn’t get out of bed for days after that. He just stays under the covers and basks in the sun shining through the window. He likes to pretend it’s his snake-side coming through, the way he feels cold deep in his bones and there is not much that can soothe it. He never talks with Aziraphale about those days, even when he asks why he didn’t answer any calls. He learned soon after his fall to never show any weakness in Hell, so he hides that part of himself, the same way that he hides his eyes behind his sunglasses. He doesn’t really hide his eye from Aziraphale, of course, but that’s not because he trusts him, it’s because there is no point in hiding it from the angel.

The first time it happens is some time after he first talked Aziraphale to sleep in the bookshop. He laid in bed for three days already when the doorbell rings. For one moment he is more afraid than he was right after waking from his latest nightmare. There is only one being in the universe that knows the location of this new flat. He only has it for some weeks now and he wasn’t in contact with Hell since then. And they wouldn’t ring anyway. So he knows it’s Aziraphale at his doorstep. Crowley doesn’t want him to see him like this, with his hair sticking up in every direction, dark bags under his eyes and dried tear streaks on his cheeks. Aziraphale wouldn’t come into his flat without his permission in the same way Crowley saunters into the bookshop, but at the same time he will not leave if he knows that Crowley is home and he has to face him sooner or later. So Crowley drags himself out of bed and miracles his appearance to his usually self. He opens the door and Aziraphale smiles at him with a bottle of prosecco and a paper bag in his hand. They sit down together, and the angel starts talking about the little german bakery he found and how he wants to try every bread they have, but for today he brought some pretzels and apple pie.

While Aziraphale talks animated, Crowley slumps down more and more in his seat. His appearance may not reflect his feelings any longer, but they are still there: the deep cold, the tiredness, the fear. He tries to focus on the angel’s voice, glad that he doesn’t need to answer much, just nod sometimes, and in time, his presence calms him down. He slips into his snake form nearly without realizing. He may not be able to show the angel his feelings in his corporation, but maybe he will understand this. Aziraphale gaps silently and then Crowley feels warm hands picking him up. And as the angel puts him in his lap and strokes his snake skin, while he continues to mindlessly babble about pastries, Crowley thinks, that yes, he understands. Crowley sleeps and he doesn’t dream. He wakes up on the windowsill in a patch of sun a few hours later. His flat is empty, but he doesn’t feel cold anymore.

He sometimes seeks out Aziraphale for sleep, but it’s never explicitly stated between them. He just turns up in the bookshop and curls up on one of the bookshelves or in the shop window in his snake form. He tells himself that it is also for Aziraphale's sake, as this form is very good at scaring potential book buyers. Because it’s not like Aziraphale is the only being he fully trusts in this universe. It’s not like he feels secure at his side, his mind at ease like it isn’t at any other time. It’s not like he is in love with him, is it? And he pretends not to notice how the temperature in the shop will rise on the days he decides to stay over to sleep. Because it’s not like maybe, just maybe, the angel feels the same way about him.

~•~

Aziraphale and Crowley sleep, even though they don’t need to. Maybe they have gone native, but would that be so bad? The humans do many things right in their opinion and they are not good or evil but so much more than that. So alive. Sometimes they envy them for it. Their short lifes are full of dreams, plans, action, emotions, and they use every second of it, except when they are asleep. Their sleep is also full of dreams, plans, action, emotions. They sleep curled up in their parents beds, on an air mattress in their friends house, on sofas at noon, beside their siblings in the car, on a towel on the beach, in the green grass in the back yard, in the embrace of a lover.

Aziraphale and Crowley sleep while the other is watching over them, but they never spend the night. They never fall asleep together, they never wake up in the same bed side by side. But their sleep is full of dreams, plans, action and emotions. They do not dream of heaven or hell. Instead they dream of human things: of new books, beautiful plants, cities they want to visit, tasty food, good plays and music, and the company of the one they love.

The first time it happens is the morning after the Armageddon't. The bookshop is gone, Crowley saw it burning down and there is no place for Aziraphale to spend the night, except at Crowley's place of course. After everything that happened it was easy for him to offer and it was easy for the angel to accept. They defied Heaven and Hell together, suddenly this thing between them isn’t so scary anymore. They know they are on their own side now, but wasn’t that true for a long time already? Didn’t they trust each other, weren’t they best friends, wasn’t there even something more?

So they take the bus to London together, they hold hands while looking out of the window and then they enter Crowleys flat. They don’t need to talk about it, they both feel weary to the bone and the only thing they want to do right now is to sleep. They undress and slip under the covers, starring at the ceiling for a moment until their hands start creeping to each other. They link their fingers together and Crowley shuffles over, until his side is pressed against Aziraphale and he can lay his head on his shoulder.

They dream of a future – a future together, a future that they didn’t had yesterday. When Aziraphale wakes up, he doesn’t feel like something is holding him down. There is no echo of terror in his mind. His thoughts aren't racing at a million miles an hour, because there is only one thought: how much he loves Crowley. The demon is buried into his side, in the night Crowley had moved down the bed. His head is now resting against Aziraphale’s chest. The angel feels more save than he ever did in his life, because of the arm thrown protectively over his belly and the trust he has in Crowley. The demon is still asleep, so he just enjoys the moment and commits it to his memory.

When Crowley wakes up, there is no panic in his head, he can breathe easily and there are tears streaming down his face because he now knows something with certainty: how much he loves Aziraphale.

They are in a tight embrace, the tartan pyjama the angel miracled up last night is soft against his cheeks and he feels the slow rise and fall of every breath. The demon feels warmer than he ever did in his life, from the body heat seeping into him from Aziraphale at his side and from the warm feeling in his heart. His tears are forming wet spots on the flannel and he knows that Aziraphale is already awake before he moves to pull him even closer and to card a hand through his hair.

“Are you okay?“, the angel asks softly, his voice just above a whisper.

“We prevented the Armageddon yesterday and you are at my side, I’m more than okay.“

“Then why are you crying?“

“Because I'm happy. I'm happier than I ever was before.“

“Oh, that’s good.“

“Hmm... And how are you?“

Crowley moves a little bit so he can look Aziraphale in the eye, but he does not remove his arm. The angel wipes the tears from his cheeks before he answers, his expression serious.

“Crowley, I think I have to tell you something. When I sleep alone, I wake up panicked, I can’t really get any rest, because it’s not quiet enough and I can’t calm down. But when you’re at my side, I feel totally secure. My dear, only you can ease my mind. Because I love you. I think I love you for a long time now, I just was too afraid to tell you. But I trust you not to hurt me, I trust you more than anybody else, so I want to tell you the truth: I love you.“

Crowley feels new tears building in his eyes. This is everything he ever dreamed of when he slept in the sun in Aziraphale’s bookshop. He smiles at the angel, bright and honest, his snake eyes nearly glowing in the morning light.

“Aziraphale, when I sleep alone, I have nightmares, I dream of Hell and sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed. But when you’re at my side, I feel at peace. Angel, only you can ease my mind. Because I love you, too. I know, I love you for thousands of years now, I just wasn’t sure you felt the same. I will never hurt you and I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me how you feel.“

Aziraphale also smiles, his eyes wide and his hair like a halo around his head.

“Can you say it again?“, he asks quietly. This feels too good to be true.

“I love you.“

“I love you, too.“

For seemingly endless moments they just starred at each other lovingly. It’s Crowley that breaks the silence in the end.

“And what are we doing now?“

“Well, there is still Agnes Nutter's last prophecy. So how about we take a walk in the park and then later, after it’s all over and we are finally free from Heaven and Hell, we can go to the Ritz. As a date, if you like.“

“I would like that very much.“

“You know what I would also like? A good, fresh breakfast. Do you remember the german bakery I brought pretzels and pie from the first time I was in this flat?“

“Yeah, I remember, Angel.“

“They are still owned by the same family.“

“Then let’s get breakfast in bed.“

Crowley snaps his fingers and there is an array of baked good, fried eggs and hot cocoa on a tray at the end of the bed.

“Did you just steal their food? You can’t do that, my dear.“

“I didn’t stole anything, I left them some money.“

Crowley sits up to grab a Berliner and give it to Aziraphale.

“Thank you, my love.“

“My love?“

“Is it too much? Is this too fast?“

“No, no, you are not going too fast for me, Angel“, Crowley answers with a wink. They both laugh, their minds at ease and believing that they can do everything as long as they are together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> There will be a second part to this, that will not be part of the "Sing To Me Instead"-series. It's a work to celebrate Good Omens 30 year anniversary and the Good Omens Lockdown video they made because of it. Check it out, if you want to!


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